![]() Oneliners and jokes. LOTS OF JOKES TO MAKE YOU LAUGH. The perils of poor punctuation. A panda goes into a bar, orders a sandwich, fires a gun and heads for the door. A shaken barman asks why.
The barman turns to the relevant page: 'Panda: Bear- like mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'. Courtroom howlers. These are from a book called . Can you give us an example of something that you've. What school did you go to? Dennington was dead at the time? I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. I would like to thank my brand new, shiny father in law, Phil, for his kind words and good wishes(and for upsetting Sam on her wedding day)Ok so before I st. Canada’s trusted source for breaking news, daily local, national and global politics, events, and more from the world's top media outlets. Those are my rules. Any comments? Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not. The husband yells, . The husband gets up in a rage and says, . After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, . He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, . Name something you would see inside a taxicab. Meter (56), Driver (15), License (8), Air Freshener, Ads: Name something people do to get on their boss' good side. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, . After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, . But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, . The 8. 0- year- old husband replied, . The husband said, . She was a dream. I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for. Again, no response except from Martinez: . The teacher snapped at the class, . Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do. Martinez put his hand up. Now, who said that?? If. you say anything else, I'll kill you. And as the class gathered around the teacher. BUSH. We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. The chicken is. either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. It isn't safe. SEUSS. Did the chicken cross the road? In the rain. Someone told. They found that the British, Irish, New Zealanders and Austalians prefer a play on words; that the French, Belgians and Danes have a taste for the surreal and Freudian; that Americans and Canadians enjoy jokes showing one group's superiority over another; and that Germans have the broadest sense of humour because they find almost anything funny. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: . What can I do? First, let's make sure he's dead. There is silence; then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. The driver says: . She says to a man next to her: . The clerk politely told the dog: . You could send another woof for the same price. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse- like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor? After an intensive program of selection, there was a shortlist of three top agents . They were taken to a secret location for the final stage of the selection process. The first agent . In that first room, you will find your wife seated, blindfold and handcuffed. He was told; . Leave here and never say anything about what you have seen. He entered the room and, for a long time, there was silence. Then he came out, his eyes streaming with tears. She went in as instructed. At first there was silence. Then there was a loud bang, then another, then yet another. Next there was loud shouting, fierce screaming and incredible banging. Finally the woman emerged from the room wiping the sweat from her face. The Genie says. ! They lived in the Sarah Dessert and. Camelot. He died before he ever reached Canada. The Greeks also had Myths. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose. History calls people. Romans because they never stayed in one place for long. The ides of March murdered him because they thought. King. Dying he gasped out: . Finally Magna Carta provided that no man. Another. important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir. Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented. And Sir Francis Drake circumsized. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies. Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example. The next great author was John Milton. Then his wife died and he wrote. Paradise Regained. Also the colonists would send their. Finally the colnists. Delegates. from the original 1. Franklin discovered. In between he practised on. Bach died. from 1. Bach was the most famous composer. Handel. Handel was half German and. Italian and half English. He was very large. People stopped reproducing by hand and started. The invention of the steam boat caused. Cyrus Mc. Cormick invented. Mc. Cormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Charles Darwin. was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman. Curie discovered raio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark. Brothers. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO. THE GUARD ON DUTY. TRUMPET HIM. MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE. WITH VIGOUR. IF SO, WE CAN HELP. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM. OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT. YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. You will always choose the right one. A German or Russian. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM. Stands for. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. A well- paying job. Heard on the voice. Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: . Please dial our. and ask the operator for assistance. For instance. re- boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the. Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. A woman and a man are involved in a terrible car accident. It's a really bad one - both the cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. That's interesting - I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. This must be a sign from God. The woman continues: ! My car is completedly destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune in surviving the crash and meeting one another. He nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: . Below is the winner. When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is. Therefore, if a slice of. If enough toast- laden felines were used, they. In the. buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side. Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and. Also, should here be an imbalance between the effects of. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said. Tell me what you know. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and on west to Yellowstone Park. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said: . The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the. He used to spear his food and place it in his. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle. Immediately, Bugs responded: . This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don. So, can you talk to it instead? What are you? If you leave a message, I. If you leave a sexy message, I. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. This is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Leave me a message and, if I don. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call back. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right slowly. So leave a message and, when we. In addition, Husband 1. Dinner. Dancing 7. Foreplay 2. 3, and Opera. Night 6. 1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker. Night 1. 3, Football 5. Golf 2. 4. Under no circumstances will it run Nappy. Changing 1. 4. 1 or House. Cleaning 2. 6. Can you help please? He will look silly when he. Retirement Speeches. Speeches For All Retirement Occasions. I worked as the Human Resource Manager in a bank for a number of years. A number of times during my stay there all the employees and managers of the company would gather together in the office to say goodbye to, and express their appreciation of, a co- worker who was retiring. The message in the retirement speech was usually the same, 'we're going to miss you'. But that's only telling half the story.
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